Never Split the Difference

Table of contents

Be A Mirror
Labelling
Beware “Yes”, Master “No”
That’s Right
Bending Reality
The Illusion of Control
Guarantee Execution
Bargain Hard
Black Swans
Negotiation One Sheet

Be A Mirror

mirroring

also called isopraxism, essentially imitation
we copy another’s speech patterns, body language, vocabulary, tempo, and tone of voice
in negotiation, we concentrate on words and nothing else
repeat the last three words (or critical one to three words)

how to confront someone

use the late-night FM DJ voice
start with “I’m sorry…”
mirror
silence. at least 4 seconds.
repeat

A good negotiator prepares, going in, to be ready for possible surprises; a great negotiator aims to use her skills to reveal the surprises she is certain to find.
Don’t commit to assumptions; instead, view them as hypotheses and use the negotiation to test them rigorously.
People who view negotiation as a battle of arguments become overwhelmed by the voices in their head. Negotiation is not an act of battle; it’s a process of discovery. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible.
To quiet the voices in your head, make your sole and all-encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say.
Slow. It. Down. Going too fast is one of the mistakes all negotiators are prone to making. If we’re too much in a hurry, people can feel as if they’re not being heard. You risk undermining the rapport and trust you’ve built.
Put a smile on your face. When people are in a positive frame of mind, they think more quickly, and are more likely to collaborate and problem-solve (instead of fight and resist). Positivity creates mental agility in both you and your counterpart.

three voices to use

late-night FM DJ – use selectively to make a point; inflect voice downward, and keep calm and slow
positive/playful voice – should be default voice; easygoing, good-natured
direct/assertive – use rarely; will create problems and pushback

Labelling

tactical empathy

understanding the feelings and mindset of another in the moment
also hearing what is behind those feelings so you can increase influence in all moments that follow
beyond just empathy, which is “the ability to recognize the perspective of a counterpart, and the vocalization of that recognition”
imagine yourself in your counterpart’s position

labelling

a way to validate a counterpart’s emotions by acknowledging them
allows you to reinforce the good aspect of a negotiation, and diffuse a bad
almost always begin with “it seems like…“ or “it sounds like…“ or “it looks like…“

accusation audit

listing everything terrible your counterpart could say about you to diffuse it
best way to deal with a negative emotion is to observe it, without action or judgement
head off negative dynamics before they take root

Beware “Yes”, Master “No”

No is the start of a negotiation, not the end of it
Break the habit of attempting to get people to say “yes.” Being pushed for “yes” makes people defensive. Our love of hearing “yes” makes us blind to the defensiveness we ourselves feel when someone is pushing us to say it.
“No” is not a failure. We have learned that “No” is the anti-“Yes” and therefore a word to be avoided at all costs. But it really often just means “Wait” or “I’m not comfortable with that.” Learn how to hear it calmly. It is not the end of the negotiation, but the beginning.
“Yes” is the final goal of a negotiation, but don’t aim for it at the start. Asking someone for “Yes” too quickly in a conversation—“Do you like to drink water, Mr. Smith?”—gets his guard up and paints you as an untrustworthy salesman.
Saying “No” makes the speaker feel safe, secure, and in control, so trigger it. By saying what they don’t want, your counterpart defines their space and gains the confidence and comfort to listen to you. That’s why “Is now a bad time to talk?” is always better than “Do you have a few minutes to talk?”
Sometimes the only way to get your counterpart to listen and engage with you is by forcing them into a “No.” That means intentionally mislabeling one of their emotions or desires or asking a ridiculous question—like, “It seems like you want this project to fail”—that can only be answered negatively.
Negotiate in their world. Persuasion is not about how bright or smooth or forceful you are. It’s about the other party convincing themselves that the solution you want is their own idea. So don’t beat them with logic or brute force. Ask them questions that open paths to your goals. It’s not about you.
If a potential business partner is ignoring you, contact them with a clear and concise “No”-oriented question that suggests that you are ready to walk away. “Have you given up on this project?” works wonders.

That’s Right

behavioral change stairway model (BCSM)

active listening
empathy
rapport
influence
behavioral change

creating positive regard is key to behavioral change – humans are driven towards socially constructive behavior; the more a person feels understood and positively affirmed in that understanding, the more likely the urge for constructive behavior
“that’s right” is better than yes – strive for it – in negotiations, it creates breakthroughs
use summary (a mix of labelling and paraphrasing) to get to a “that’s right”

Bending Reality

path to effective negotiation

anchor their emotions – start with basics of empathy
let the other guy go first … most of the time
establish a range
pivot to nonmonetary terms
when you do talk numbers, use odd ones
surprise with a gift

All negotiations are defined by a network of subterranean desires and needs. Don’t let yourself be fooled by the surface. Once you know that the Haitian kidnappers just want party money, you will be miles better prepared.
Splitting the difference is wearing one black and one brown shoe, so don’t compromise. Meeting halfway often leads to bad deals for both sides.
Approaching deadlines entice people to rush the negotiating process and do impulsive things that are against their best interests.
The F-word—“Fair”—is an emotional term people usually exploit to put the other side on the defensive and gain concessions. When your counterpart drops the F-bomb, don’t get suckered into a concession. Instead, ask them to explain how you’re mistreating them.
You can bend your counterpart’s reality by anchoring his starting point. Before you make an offer, emotionally anchor them by saying how bad it will be. When you get to numbers, set an extreme anchor to make your “real” offer seem reasonable, or use a range to seem less aggressive. The real value of anything depends on what vantage point you’re looking at it from.
People will take more risks to avoid a loss than to realize a gain. Make sure your counterpart sees that there is something to lose by inaction.

The Illusion of Control

the secret to gaining the upper hand in a negotiation is to give your counterpart the illusion of control
Don’t try to force your opponent to admit that you are right. Aggressive confrontation is the enemy of constructive negotiation.
Avoid questions that can be answered with “Yes” or tiny pieces of information. These require little thought and inspire the human need for reciprocity; you will be expected to give something back.
Ask calibrated questions that start with the words “How” or “What.” By implicitly asking the other party for help, these questions will give your counterpart an illusion of control and will inspire them to speak at length, revealing important information.
Don’t ask questions that start with “Why” unless you want your counterpart to defend a goal that serves you. “Why” is always an accusation, in any language.
Calibrate your questions to point your counterpart toward solving your problem. This will encourage them to expend their energy on devising a solution.
Bite your tongue. When you’re attacked in a negotiation, pause and avoid angry emotional reactions. Instead, ask your counterpart a calibrated question.
There is always a team on the other side. If you are not influencing those behind the table, you are vulnerable.

Guarantee Execution

negotiators are decision architects – need to gain consent and execution
calibrated questions - elegant way to say no and guide to your solution, e.g., “How am I supposed to do that?”
negotiation is the “art of letting someone else have your way”
yes is nothing without how
deal killers are more important than deal makers

7-38-55 Rule

components of what makes us like someone:
- 7% words
- 38% tone
- 55% body language and face

3 types of yes

commitment (strongest)
confirmation
counterfeit (weakest)

Rule of 3

get someone to agree 3 times in a conversation to get commitment
vary tactics so doesn’t get repetitious

Pinocchio Effect

liars use more words than truth-tellers, and far more third-person pronouns
I and me pronouns might mean someone isn’t as important than someone who uses we
Ask calibrated “How” questions, and ask them again and again. Asking “How” keeps your counterparts engaged but off balance. Answering the questions will give them the illusion of control. It will also lead them to contemplate your problems when making their demands.
Use “How” questions to shape the negotiating environment. You do this by using “How can I do that?” as a gentle version of “No.” This will subtly push your counterpart to search for other solutions—your solutions. And very often it will get them to bid against themselves.
Don’t just pay attention to the people you’re negotiating with directly; always identify the motivations of the players “behind the table.” You can do so by asking how a deal will affect everybody else and how on board they are.
Follow the 7-38-55 Percent Rule by paying close attention to tone of voice and body language. Incongruence between the words and nonverbal signs will show when your counterpart is lying or uncomfortable with a deal.
Is the “Yes” real or counterfeit? Test it with the Rule of Three: use calibrated questions, summaries, and labels to get your counterpart to reaffirm their agreement at least three times. It’s really hard to repeatedly lie or fake conviction.
A person’s use of pronouns offers deep insights into his or her relative authority. If you’re hearing a lot of “I,” “me,” and “my,” the real power to decide probably lies elsewhere. Picking up a lot of “we,” “they,” and “them,” it’s more likely you’re dealing directly with a savvy decision maker keeping his options open.
Use your own name to make yourself a real person to the other side and even get your own personal discount. Humor and humanity are the best ways to break the ice and remove roadblocks.

Bargain Hard

3 types of bargainer

analyst
accommodator
assertive

black swan rule - don’t treat others the way you want to be treated, treat them the way they need to be treated
I am normal paradox - assuming everyone sees the world the way you do, or is like you
strategic umbrage – well-timed, tactical, offense-taking – can increase gains but reduce cognitive ability

The Ackerman System

Set your target price (your goal).
Set your first offer at 65 percent of your target price.
Calculate three raises of decreasing increments (to 85, 95, and 100 percent).
Use lots of empathy and different ways of saying “No” to get the other side to counter before you increase your offer.
When calculating the final amount, use precise, non-round numbers like, say, $37,893 rather than $38,000. It gives the number credibility and weight.
On your final number, throw in a non-monetary item (that they probably don’t want) to show you’re at your limit.

Black Swans

a black swan is something completely unexpected, an unknown unknown
potentially 3 black swans per negotiation
acts as a leverage multiplier

leverage

used to withhold gains, inflict loss
1. positive (the ability to give someone what they want)
2. negative (the ability to hurt someone)
3. normative (using your counterpart’s norms to bring them around)

paradox of power - the harder you push, the more likely someone is to resist similarity principle - we trust what is familiar – this is useful in building rapport

Negotiation One Sheet

I: Goal

Think through best/worst-case scenarios but only write down a specific goal that represents the best case.

Set an optimistic but reasonable goal and define it clearly.
Write it down.
Discuss your goal with a colleague (this makes it harder to wimp out).
Carry the written goal into the negotiation.

II: Summary

Summarize and write out in just a couple of sentences the known facts that have led up to the negotiation

III: Labels/Accusation Audit

Prepare three to five labels to perform an accusation audit Some examples:

It seems like _____ is valuable to you.
It seems like you don’t like _____.
It seems like you value ____.
It seems like _____ makes it easier.
It seems like you’re reluctant to _____.

IV: Calibrated Questions

Prepare three to five calibrated questions to reveal value to you and your counterpart and identify and overcome potential deal killers. Some examples:

What are we trying to accomplish?
How is that worthwhile?
What’s the core issue here?
How does that affect things?
What’s the biggest challenge you face?
How does this fit into what the objective is?

Questions to identify behind-the-table deal killers

How does this affect the rest of your team?
How on board are the people not on this call?
What do your colleagues see as their main challenges in this area?

Questions to unearth deal-killing issues

What are we up against here?
What is the biggest challenge you face?
How does making a deal with us affect things?
What happens if you do nothing?
What does doing nothing cost you?
How does making this deal resonate with what your company prides itself on?

V: Non-Cash Offers

Prepare a list of non-cash items possessed by your counterpart that would be valuable